I am a semi colon
Certain things will never be noticed until you read between the lines and even then, sometimes it’s even hard to see the reality…
And opening up and expressing your emotions is even harder.
Depression, anxiety, mental illness in general, is something that can’t be controlled. The emotions, the feelings, the anxiety, your thoughts take over your body and you can’t help just being in a funk. It’s hard to come right out and say you need help. It’s hard to open up to people without the fear of rejection or judgement. Yes, there will be certain signs that may show you that a person may be struggling with mental illness. Even then it’s hard to say because you have always seen a positive happy person. That’s what sucks, everyone sees one side of you but mental illness drowns you with something you just wished would go away. People say its temporary, and sometimes it is, but that doesn’t mean it won’t come back when you least expect it. Anything can trigger it and that’s what people don’t seem to understand. You can retell the same story and hear the same things over and over, but is the person you are speaking to understanding you?
“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside of me. I cannot even explain it to myself.” – Franz Kafka
The hardest part about speaking about this is the judgement that you might get or even people saying to you that “it’s just a phase it will pass, stay strong”. Or when people call you crazy because you go through so many emotions that they just can’t handle it anymore. This is when you feel alone because as much as you want to talk and vent and cry you can’t help but think, what might they say about you behind your back? Would they cry with you? Would they hold your hand to get you the help you need? That fear makes it easy for certain thoughts to flow through you mind, and no I’m not speaking for everyone but I am speaking from my own experience.
Getting help is hard for anyone dealing with mental illness. The ups and downs of this roller coaster ride will not be easy. The fear will consume you. Questions will pop up that you will never have any answers to.
Time and time again you blame yourself for what others have done. Not knowing why, but you did. Hoping that you won’t hurt anymore so you can find peace within yourself. Hoping to find love, not to feel complete, but to feel that you will no longer be fighting alone. Praying to God to help you find forgiveness instead of blaming others and asking why me? Asking... What if I was to take my last breath?... Would that person or friend or family hurt like they hurt you? Would they cry like you cried? Would they scream for God like you screamed for God? Would they feel the pain that you felt? Or would their sadness last or be meaningful like it was to you?
One thing I have learned is that there are so many people like me. So many people that go through this and that fact makes it easier not to feel alone. Because of them, I can see that I am not fighting alone and that somehow I will be okay to feel the way I do. I know it’s okay to feel these emotions and to speak my mind because this is me and I am who I am.
“THE STRONGEST PEOPLE ARE NOT THOSE WHO SHOW STRENGTH IN FRONT OF THE WORLD BUT THOSE WHO FIGHT AND WIN BATTLES THAT OTHERS DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT” – Jonathan Harnisch
There will be a walk that is happening in June to stop Suicide happening in Philadelphia, click this LINK to register. There's also a donation that is happening where the money will be used to create more programs for those that are suffering with mental health like depression, anxiety or suicide. Please click this LINK to donate today!
Make sure to follow Kenia and her journey with Mental Health (@__xo.kb)
I am a semi colon